Do you have little or no experience with women and are you wondering if I’m the right person to accompany you? Let me tell you a little about my thoughts on this type of encounter and you’ll see whether it’s right for you or not.
First of all, I fully understand the complex that a lack of experience can create. We live in a society where standards can be very oppressive: the age at which you should have made love, the number of partners you should have had, celibacy seen as a failure, and so on. And the older you get, the greater the pressure. A vicious circle sometimes develops: you’re afraid that your lack of experience could be visible, so you avoid dating, which doesn’t help your lack of experience at all… Having seen just how painful and blocking this can be for some people, I’m always very happy to be able to support someone in this process with gentleness, kindness but also good humour and de-dramatisation.
In addition to all these standards, there’s also a lot of pressure around the “1st time”, which should be with someone important, for whom we have feelings. I’ve noticed that this can make some people hesitate in their desire to see me and more generally in their desire to do this with an escort. Sometimes this hesitation turns into shame and adds to the initial complex. In short, it’s a mess.
In reality, everyone has the right to decide what seems best for them. If you think that coming to a caring person who likes to accompany you on this kind of adventure is what suits you best, then go for it!
While I’m open to supporting this kind of approach, I’m not a fan of the “rite of passage” concept. If you’ve come just to put a penis in a vagina, without looking any further, I’m not the right person for you. Having already encountered this kind of situation, I know that it can unblock people and allow them to finally have the courage to approach the one who makes their little heart beat, but that’s not my approach. For me, “making love” isn’t just about coitus and, although we never stop learning about sexuality, I think it’s a good idea to go into this life with more than just “finding a hole”.
So here’s what I propose:
- Talk!
In your first email, don’t hesitate to clearly express your fears, your doubts, your questions, your desires, but also to tell me about your past experiences, as there are sometimes blocks that can come from these events. This will help me to understand you better and to suggest appropriate courses of action.
During this phase, I can also suggest various readings so that you can do your own research. This is a very important point: even though I have a Master’s degree in sex education, I appreciate it when my partners also do some research on their own. Why do I do this? Because too often, everything around sexuality and relationships is the “responsibility” of the female partner (don’t start with “Well, no, I’m not like that”, I’m not talking about you personally but about something general that I still see far too often) and it’s vital that you get into the habit of educating yourself, doing research, asking questions, coming up with ideas, etc.
It can be interesting to know, for example, how bodies really work during sex (not what you see in porn films), to discuss stereotypes and preconceived ideas about sex and relationships (and believe me, that alone is a lot of work), to find out about contraception and protection methods or the various sexual problems that can occur, etc. This will be useful for a relationship but also for you, on your own. A few examples: we all too often assume that the sexual script we’ve defined as the norm, that Holy Trinity of “Foreplay – Coitus – Ejaculation”, is suitable for everyone. Maybe it will work for you, but maybe it won’t last. And maybe this script already pisses you off. The same goes for relationships: maybe the monogamous couple is what you need, or maybe you want to question this norm. We never stop learning about emotional and sexual life, so find the formula that suits you best (books, Instagram accounts, articles, etc.) and be curious.
However, not everything published today is good (some of it is just good enough to light your barbecue this summer or wipe your bum while camping in the woods) and it can be tricky to find your way around. Depending on what you’re looking for and what you’re wondering about, I’d be happy to point you in the direction of books, podcasts, websites, Instagram accounts and so on. It’s important for me to emphasize that, even if I criticise some of what’s written, I’m not saying “You must read this because this is the one and only way”. I’m just giving you some pointers, and it’s up to you to find out what fits with your values, what thrill you, what you want to try, etc.
Following these initial discussions (and these readings if you’ve asked for them), we can take some time to go deeper into certain subjects, to talk about your beliefs, your questions, etc.
These discussions can take place by correspondence or video. We can also meet and discuss all this over a drink or a meal.
Depending on your situation, you can also decide that our first meeting should be a “cuddle therapy” or “under the sheets”. There’s nothing to worry about, and we can discuss all these topics during our one-to-one.
- Discuss your desires for our date
It’s important to talk about a non-negotiable point for me: we don’t skip steps! Too often we tend to say “it’s going to be OK, I’ll relax, I’ll enjoy it, etc.” but in fact, in the vast majority of cases, forcing ourselves will have more harmful effects than anything else. So, if you tell me that you want to do this and that during the meeting but I feel that your body is clearly saying NO, it won’t be possible. You have to learn, from the beginning, to listen to your body, because there’s too much of a tendency not to, and when it comes to sexuality, this can be catastrophic both psychologically and physically (sexual problems, loss of libido, etc.).
Having said that, let’s move on.
While I’m not normally a fan of to-do lists, I find that they can be interesting in this context. A few months ago, a suitor came to me with a big list of things he wanted to try, ranging from “Where to put your hand so that it’s not seen as sexual” to “How to achieve penetration“, passing by “How to kiss” and “How to hold your hand“. I thought it was a great idea, every time we met, we’d look at different practices and all the different ways they could be done, the sensations they gave each other and so on.
As I said, I’m not here if all you want to do is “find the hole” and that’s it. I want us to be able to focus on sensations, to discover together what you like and don’t like, what makes you thrill and what doesn’t. In short, I want you to approach sexuality as something much bigger than what we’re used to seeing.
I know that it’s not easy to know what you want (again, reading can help you see more clearly) so I wanted to give you some examples. I can cuddle you with your clothes on, caress you (back, chest or any other non-genital part) over your clothes and then without, kiss you and show you different techniques, caress your neck and shoulders and then kiss them, massage you… and reverse the roles so you can see how it feels. After that, if you feel like it, we can approach nudity and then, later, we can move on to caressing our genitals parts, masturbation, cunni, fellatio, penetration, and so on.
- Course of action
I prefer to spread this out over several appointments. This allows you to let go of what has happened, to discuss the emotions that have arisen and to adapt for the next time (“I think I’m comfortable enough to do this or that next time” or, on the contrary, “I feel I need more time, I’d like to change the steps we talked about“). However, I understand that budget-wise, there are several possibilities:
1. A single meeting of at least 3 hours
2. A first “Cuddle therapy” meeting in which we would do everything I described above (before nudity) and then another “Under the sheets” meeting where we could go through the more intimate stages together.
3. As many meetings as you like.
Off course, you can choose to stop at any point. If you’re only there to have someone to talk to, that’s OK. If touching and cuddling have unlocked enough things for you and you want to have sex with someone you have feelings for, that’s OK too. And if you leave plenty of time between each stage that’s still OK. You’re free to go at your own pace, the only thing I ask is that you be respectful of my work: if you don’t feel like coming to a meeting, I’d like to be warned. I know it’s not easy, but think of it as communication training (very important to work on for the well-being of your future)!